neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
