Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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