Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Randomize
