Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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