i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Randomize
