I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
