I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
