opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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