All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
never play flip cup with pint glasses
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
