The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
