I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Randomize
