I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
