I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
