Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
