Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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