She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
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