I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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