Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
No more Irish car bombs ever.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
