I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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