Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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