Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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