but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Semen is not good for contacts.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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