The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Randomize
