Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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