I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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