A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
