I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
