Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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