Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Randomize
