if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
