3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
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