Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
