Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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