my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Randomize
