mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Randomize
