when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
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