My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
