i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
