im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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