it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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