When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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