We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
