I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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