I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
