Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
