Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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