so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
