I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
