He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
