8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
as a side note pls kill me
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
