WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
