and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
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